For those of you who know me, you know I am 1-very open and 2-very hard on myself. I am my own worst enemy, but I will be the first to tell you that. So here goes nothing...If I look at myself from an outsiders perspective, I see a great person who has a lot of things going for her. I have a successful career, lots of friends, treat people well, traveled, been successful in riding horses and running. But if I look at myself in my own eyes, I haven't met my own standards...and that is hard. I try not to compare myself to other people, but I do. I try to look at where I have been and where I am now and see the huge gains, but I don't see as much growth as I wish were there. I am constantly fighting with my own thoughts.
Running is a sport where the LARGE majority of people run for themselves, not to come in first place in the race or their age group. People run to live healthy lives, to push themselves, to see improvement, but not always to be the best in the sport. I run for all those reasons as well, but I want to be better. I push myself to be better and recently it has been hard for me to understand why it isn't coming as fast for me as it is other people. Don't get me wrong, I love running and everything that comes with it, I just want to see my improvement sooner than I am.
Last weekend I ran the Run Your Heart Out 5k in Reston. It was cold, freezing in fact. The temp was 23 degrees, but felt like 10. There was snow on the ground, but in my head I wanted to PR. I wanted to run faster than 28:10, my PR from my New Year's Day 5k. As I ran my first mile, I was right on track to do awesome...I was running a 8:45 mile, but after the first mile marker I slipped on a wooden bridge covered with snow and it really shook me...a lot. I slowed my pace to 9:45 for the next mile and then picked it during mile 3 to finish in 28:42. I was really bummed out, but I know I shouldn't have been. I know I should be thinking, that last summer, all I wanted was to finish a 5k in under 30 mins and I am doing that now, but unless I see constant improvement, I don't see myself as doing well. With each race I expect to improve, but that doesn't always happen and I have to learn that. It is really hard for me.
Run Your Heart Out 5k
With Amy, Jodi and Jess
Yesterday I skipped my long run of 12 miles to run another race, the GW Birthday Classic 10k in Alexandria. I worked really hard this whole week to push myself and feel confident to beat my PR and previous time at this race last year (58:39). I had my eye on running it in 55:00 or under. I was confident that I could do it. Yesterday morning as I headed to the start line, I decided that I wasn't going to focus on my watch and just run strong. I figured if I needed to push it the last few miles I could. As it turned out, I ran by feeling and I finished in 56:59...a PR by almost 2 mins. I should have been ecstatic, but I wasn't. I just kept thinking, why didn't I do better? I know I could have pushed myself, but I didn't. I know if I had I would have been able to make my 55:00 goal. I can't run the race again, but I need to learn to be proud of where I have come. Instead, I decided that since I didn't make my time goal, I should keep running to at least get my distance for the day. So I headed to Burke Lake to finish 12 miles for the day. It may or may not have been the right thing to do, but I needed to feel successful in some aspect of my running for the day.
I am well aware that I currently have the wrong focus with my running and it is so hard for me to switch my focus. I read the following quote today:
After reading this I realized I need to read this EVERY DAY. I am a great person and it is amazing that I have been able to overcome challenges in not just my running, but in life. I need to be proud of me. Although I will still focus on improving my running, I also need to focus on the sentence above that says "Be confident with who you are." It won't happen overnight, but one day I will learn to find the confidence within.
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